[Subtitles by danielsangeo]
Oh, wait. I can't
remember which way to go.
Nnnnnnnrrryuhh...
I'll go this way.
And more soulless walls of concrete.
Wait a second. Was that the same hallway?
Those sneaky architect bastards.
I have to say, though, working in an
underground laboratory is pretty cool.
It kind of makes me feel like
I'm an evil scientist.
I always wanted to be an evil scientist.
WAAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-Hah!
Okay, I'd better chill out.
I don't want a repeat of Monday.
Heeeeyyyyy...
wait, I don't know you.
Everything... this way. Awesome.
How about you? You know any jokes?
Man, I've gotta get
my mind out of the gutter.
Okay, could this hallway
be more depressing?
It's either too dark or has this
sickly green look.
Y'know, it wouldn't kill them to get some
bulbs down here that give off UV rays.
SCIENTIST #1: Ah, Gordon, here you are.
SCIENTIST #1: We just sent the
sample down to the test chamber.
SCIENTIST #2: We've boosted the
Anti-Mass Spectrometer to 105%.
SCIENTIST #2: Bit of a gamble,
but we need the extra resolution.
SCIENTIST #3: The administrator
is very concerned that we get a
SCIENTIST #3: conclusive
analysis of today's sample.
SCIENTIST #3: I gather they went
to some lengths to get it.
FedEx'd it and everything, huh?
SCIENTIST #1: They're waiting
for you, Gordon, in the test chamber.
You know, sometimes I think you
guys are just robots, except not cool.
I wonder if we built this facility
on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I mean, this is New Mexico.
You know, I still have no idea
what these things are.
SCIENTIST #4: Ah, it's good to see you.
Yes, it IS good to see me.
They look like toy plasma globes,
but what use would we have for that?
[shattering sound]
HIT THE DECK!
SCIENTIST #5: It's about to go critical!
I thought it was a sniper...!
SCIENTIST #4: What the hell is
going on with our equipment?
SCIENTIST #5: It wasn't meant to do this
I guess that wouldn't make sense.
SCIENTIST #5: in the first place!
Damned Cyrix processors...
You go with the lowest bidder
and this is what happens.
Glad that's not my problem.
Oh no. Not this elevator.
I hate it; it always makes me dizzy.
Okay, maybe if I turn at the
right time with it, I won't be dizzy.
Left... right... no, wait, the other way.
Oh man, I still messed it up
again; I'm still dizzy.
Well, it's not as bad as those
teacup rides at Disneyland.
I hate those. They're designed
so if you puke out the side,
you spray as many people as possible.
Am I the only person here with a beard?
I understand that the guards
don't have them, but the scientists?
SCIENTIST #6: I'm afraid we'll
be deviating a bit
SCIENTIST #6: from Standard
Analysis Procedures today, Gordon.
SCIENTIST #7: Yes, but with good reason.
SCIENTIST #7: This is a rare
opportunity for us.
SCIENTIST #7: This is the purest
sample we've seen yet.
SCIENTIST #6: And, potentially,
the most unstable.
SCIENTIST #7: Now now, if you'll
follow Standard Insertion Procedures,
SCIENTIST #7: everything will be fine.
SCIENTIST #6: I don't know how
you can say that,
SCIENTIST #6: although I will
admit that the possibility of a
SCIENTIST #6: Resonance Cascade
Scenario is extremely unlikely--
SCIENTIST #7: Gordon doesn't need to hear
all this; he's a highly-trained professional!
SCIENTIST #7: We've assured the
administrator that nothing will go wrong?
SCIENTIST #6: Ah, yes, you're right.
SCIENTIST #6: Gordon, we have
complete confidence in you.
SCIENTIST #7: Well, go ahead.
Let's let him in now.
Does my beard intimidate you?
[rapid beeping]
Nyaaaaahhh! Stop that noise!
It reminds me of that dream I have where I'm
strapped to a gurney watching Fraggle Rock
with flashing lights on either side of me.
Then I realize: I'm in Hell!
The only reason we have those scanners
is because they caught playing
racquetball in here once.
[microphone feedback, Gordon prepares to hock a loogie]
SCIENTIST #8: Testing, testing...
Eh, better not.
SCIENTIST #8: Everything seems
to be in order.
Roger, Roger. What's your vector, Victor?
SCIENTIST #9: All right, Gordon, your suit should
keep you comfortable through all this.
SCIENTIST #9: The specimen will
be delivered to you in a few moments.
SCIENTIST #9: If you would be so good
as to climb up and start the rotors,
SCIENTIST #9: we can bring the
Anti-Mass Spectrometer to 80%
SCIENTIST #9: and hold it there
until the carrier arrives.
It appeals to my simian instincts.
And also makes me regret how I
have no tail.
Damn my genes. I have no tail
and I must swing.
SCIENTIST #9: Gordon, are you not hearing
me? Climb up and start the rotors, please.
Wha-what do you think I'm doing?
Hey, I could just sit here and
not do a damned thing.
Bet you'd like that, huh?
I'm going to start making a list
of names around here.
And you're going to be towards
the top of the list.
This is getting ridiculous.
I never thought I'd have so many enemies
that I'd need to make an actual list.
But, it's just getting to be
more than I can keep track of.
I mean, what the hell, it worked
for Nixon, it should work for me, right?
SCIENTIST #9: We'll take it from here.
SCIENTIST #8: Power to Stage I Emitters
in 3... 2... 1...
SCIENTIST #8: I'm seeing
predictable phase arrays.
At times like this I remember
why I became a physicist:
To show antimatter particles
who's BOSS! YEAH!
SCIENTIST #8: Stage II Emitters
activating...now.
Awesome. Totally awesome.
SCIENTIST #9: Gordon, we cannot predict how
long the system can operate at this level,
SCIENTIST #9: nor how long the reading will
take. Please, work as quickly as you can.
I'm not talking to you. You're on the list.
I'm doing this because I want to.
SCIENTIST #8: Overhead capacitors
to one-oh-five percent.
Wait, isn't that a little dangerous?
SCIENTIST #8: Uhh... it's probably
not a problem... probably.
SCIENTIST #8: But I'm showing
small discrepancy in... well,
SCIENTIST #8: no, it's well
within acceptable bounds again.
SCIENTIST #8: Sustaining sequence.
SCIENTIST #9: I've just been
informed that the sample is ready, Gordon.
SCIENTIST #9: It should be
coming up to you any moment now.
SCIENTIST #9: Look to the
delivery system for your specimen.
Seriously, I hope we get some
good readings today.
Depending on what we find, we
might just disprove string theory.
If we do, I'm not going to be
gracious about it, either.
I'm going to rub people's FACES in it.
So, what's the deal, guys?
You ready or what?
SCIENTIST #9: Standard insertion
for a nonstandard specimen.
SCIENTIST #9: Go ahead, Gordon,
schlomp the carrier into the analysis port.
I hate it when he talks like that.
Next, he's going to start
smacking his lips.
SCIENTIST #10: What is he doing in there?
SCIENTIST #9: Nothing you need to worry
about, Gordon. Heh. That's it, uh--
Huh, yeah, wouldn't want to take
the blinders off the horse, now would ya?
[high-pitched whine, teleportation sounds]
OH GOD!
WHAT-WHAT DO I DO? WHAT-WHAT DO I DO?
SCIENTIST #9: GORDON, GET AWAY
FROM THE BEAM!
SCIENTIST #8: SHUTTING DOWN...!
OH, NO, NO, NO! THIS IS NOT GOOD!
SCIENTIST #8: IT'S NOT...!
SCIENTIST #8: IT'S NOT...IT'S NOT SHUTTING DOWN!
OPEN UP THE DOOR!
[scientists scream, explosions]
OPEN THE DOOR, YOU BASTARDS!
THIS IS A BAD EXPERIMENT!
WHY DID WE USHER FORTH
THE GREEN APOCALYPSE?!
If this is what it's like to be
dead, then being dead SUCKS!
Oh, shit! That's the ceiling!
I DON'T WANNA BE A SCHIZOPHRENIC!
Oh my God, this is crazy-in-a-box
with a side order of fries!